A Griffin Called Horse
by PickleGarden
Summary: On a stagecoach speeding around in the vacant fields of South Dakota. Peter is captured by Sioux Indians who use torture tactics to influence him into being their Indian Chief. Inspired by the movie A Man Called Horse and the miniseries Shogun.


School got out for the day on a Thursday. A three day weekend was just beginning. Chris was in front of the TV watching the Comedy Central Show, "Broad City". Lois walks around Chris with her laundry basket wondering why Chris isn't doing anything but watching television. "Hey, Chris!" greeted Lois. "Hey Mom." Chris answered back.

"Why didn't you go out with Brian and Stewie to get the pizza?" Lois casually asked.

"Didn't really see a need to." Chris said. "They'll be back soon. It's not like the pizza place is 20 miles away from here."

"All right. You could've joined Peter and his friends. They're in South Dakota." Lois informed her son.

"You know how Dad is about letting me go with him to with his friends. He would never allow it." Chris declared the obvious.

Lois thought Chris was just making excuses to sit around and watch television on a Saturday instead of going out. Chris knew that Peter would _never_ allow family members let alone his children to come with him when Peter is out with Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire. Lois didn't.

"Oh I get it now. You didn't want to go with Brian, Stewie or Peter and his friends because you didn't want to miss your favorite show!" Lois scoffed.

"Broad City is NOT my favorite show! It's more like my fifth favorite." Chris trying to put across on Lois. But Lois thought Chris watching Broad City on Satudays was an obsessive ritual that according to Lois, Chris thought was uber important and cannot miss.

"You sure act like it's very important to you. It's become a ritual with you."

"The Good Place is my favorite show! I keep telling you and you seem to forget." Chris trying to bring to reason.

"Not as much as you like Broad City! That's all you ever talk about when we have dinner."

"Are you trying to say I am like the Rain Man about Broad City?" asked Chris.

"Well, yes. It's like you think it's more important than going outside. Going to school, being with your friends, and you seem to like it better than your family." established the red headed housewife and mother.

Chris grew bothered and offended, "You were probably hoping that I would go with Brian and Stewie or with Dad. So YOU can have the tv and watch your stupid ass morning news shows and daytime talk shows!"

"Just trying to say that these TV shows you like are stupid as hell. And I might point out that everytime you get into a TV show, you base your whole life on it. Futhermore, I will not take that shit from you young man! I am the mother around here and when I see something that isn't right..." Chris cut Lois off at the pass.

"I'm tired of you making me feel like I'm some crazed lunatic whenever I get into a show. Sick of you always criticizing and putting down my tv shows and cartoons! What do you want from me anyway? SCREW YOU, BITCH!"

Chris felt good standing up to Lois.

"You'll hear about this later!" Lois promised.

Chris continued to watch Broad City.

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Somewhere in the plains of South Dakota. A stagecoach was joy riding around some vacant field. Inside were Peter Griffin, Joe Swanson, Glenn Quagmire, and Cleveland Brown. A Lester marionette was driving the stagecoach.

"This is a great idea for a get away you had, Peter!" Joe complemented the fat moron.

"Who's driving it, anyway?" asked Cleveland.

"Oh, I got one of those Lester dolls to do it!" Peter answered.

"That way you can hang out in back with us!" Quagmire said. "You have great ideas, Peter! Maybe you're not such a dumbass after all!"

Peter gets out a book, "Look what I have. It's a history book about the Vietnam war!"

"Ahhh sweet! Is that Napalm girl in it?" Cleveland wondered.

Peter turned some pages, "Here she is!"

Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire saw the page.

"Thought of something funny we can do. Let's institute some dialogue for the pictures!" Peter suggested. Peter imitated the Napalm girl as an example, "I really feeling the Meg today!"

"Ooooooooh!"

"Having fun already with this!" said Quagmire. They all imitate the Viet Kong soldiers in the book in Oriental accents.

Peter flips the pages over to a picture of a Viet Kong, "What kind of rice are we serving today? I want Meg with rice!"

Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire burst out laughing.

Cleveland takes the book and turns it to a page that has a map, "Here's how we gonna get Meg!"

"Good one Cleveland!" Quagmire cracked.

Joe takes the book and flips it over to a page where it shows planes dropping bombs.

"Let's take a dump on this Meg!"

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!" they all laughed.

Quagmire flips over to a page with a burning building with a Viet Kong solider walking by.

"Smells like a roasting Meg!"

They all laugh some more. Peter takes the book and flips it over to a picture with a Viet Kong standing over a dead American Soldier.

"Got it! Got it! Got! Get ready to laugh...I got-ta Meg!"

Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire all cracked up and laughed at the spectacle they made of the Viet Nam War Book. That is until an arrow shot the stagecoach.

Quagmire looked outside and there were Sioux Indians shooting at their stagecoach.

"What's out there, Quagmire!" asked Joe.

"Holy crap! It's...Indians!" The pervert was startled.

"Indians? What is this? Fort Apache all of the sudden!" exclaimed the paralyzed police officer seeing the Indians.

Peter decides to step up to try to fight off the Indians.

"Don't do it, Peter! Don't be a hero! Is your head full of shit or something?" warned Cleveland.

"Shit or not! I'm taking these Indians down!" Peter guaranteed to his friends that he will defeat the Indians that were shooting their stagecoach.

Peter went to the front of the stagecoach to try to beat the Indians.

"How are you going to take them out? We didn't bring any weapons or nothing!" Joe reminded him.

"Taking on these Indians with my bare hands". pledged Peter.

Peter takes the Lester marionette and knocks some of the Indians off their horses. Peter tries to punch and kick some Indians off their horses. More and more Indians came. "Now that's what I call getting off your high horse! hee hee hee hee hee! Here that guys! I say cool things when I'm fighting them!"

"We appreciate this Peter. We really do. But you have nothing to prove!" Quagmire called to Peter.

Cleveland sees more Indians come and he, Joe, and Quagmire knew Peter didn't stand a chance.

"Let's face the facts here. He's toast."

"There's no way I'm letting these guys get us!" Peter continued to fight off the Indians until one of them lassos a noose around his neck.

Peter choked as the Indian who noosed him pulled him off the stagecoach. Peter screamed as we went down but still had some fight left in him. "That's right! Go ahead! Capture me! Your skins will really be red once I send you all to HELL!" Then some Indians on horses surrounded him and carried him off.

Joe said, "Clint Eastwood never had it this bad in Joe Kidd or Hang 'Em High."

Peter got captured by the Sioux Indians. What will become of him now?

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Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire leave the stagecoach to look for Peter.

"Joe, you're a cop. You have the skills and the know how to track down missing persons." Cleveland reminded.

"We will find Peter and rescue him." Joe vowed. "Yet, we have reason to believe that these Indians are Sioux Indians. Good thing I brought my IPhone and it's getting good reception here. Out in the middle of nowhere!"

"It's a cop out here Joe. All we need to do is follow in the direction where the Indians took Peter." Quagmire said.

Joe sees some muddy tracks left by the Sioux Indian's horses. "Precisely, Quagmire. Good thing we found these muddy prints".

Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire use the stagecoach to follow the muddy prints to find their missing friend Peter Griffin. Joe researches some information about the Sioux Indians who've captured Peter.

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A campground where the Sioux Indians lived in teepees. The ones who kidnapped Peter and tried to destroy the stagecoach him and his buddies were on came to the campground which was their home base. One of the Indians had a bag with Peter inside and threw him out. Peter was in attack mode.

"AH HA! You Indians may have won, but I will fight you all to the death..."

"Obedience!" yelled the Sioux Indian chef. "We have brought you here to become a mythical Indian warrior."

"Why not turn me into a mythical Indian murderer, instead!" Peter responded combatively.

"We are impressed with your fighting skills so therefore you will be our new Indian chief to help us kill off the white man!"

The Sioux Indians were talking in their language. Peter couldn't help but laugh, he didn't know the Indians were being serious.

"Again, OBEDIENCE!" yelled the Head Indian Chief. "A proper Indian Chief shalt not laugh at nonsense! Come with us, white man so you can do your Indian duties!"

"Me, join an Indian tribe, NEVER! You won't keep me here! I'm going back with my friends!"

"Very well, then. If you refuse, you will endure torture until you agree!"

Peter pulls down his pants and farts and urinates on the Indian Campground. "This is what I think of your Indian land! I piss! I shit! I piss on your Indian Land!"

The Sioux Indians knock Peter into the ground then they all take down their pants and urinate on Peter.

"PEE AND SHIT ON YOU!" relatitated the Indians. Once they were done humiliating Peter, they throw the luckless, ill fated bungling buffoon into a cave with a deep pit where they throw him in. The Indians cover the opening of the cave pit with some bamboo bars.

"You won't keep me here forever, you bastards! You'll never turn me into a White Man killer!" Peter warned.

More of the Sioux Indians from the campgrounds carry a barrel full of severed chicken heads with bloody water. Peter sees it and say, "Ah, sweet! Beer!" The Sioux Indians poured the bloody water full of chicken heads on Peter.

"BBBLLLLLAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! This isn't so awesome!" sobbed Peter.

The Head Chief comes to what is now Peter's prison, "Tomorrow, you begin your training!"

"JOE! CLEVELAND! QUAGMIRE! HHHEEEELLLLLPPPPPP! SAVE ME!" Peter cried feeling defeated. "I DON'T WANNA BE AN INDIAN CHIEF!"

The Sioux Indians do a ceremonial dance as they smoke some peyote. "Tonight, we party like it's 1899!" laughed all the Sioux Indians.

Peter was in the fetal position burying his head into his legs and cried like a toddler.

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In the vacant plains leaving behind their stagecoach. Cleveland and Quagmire were following the muddy tracks. It took them longer than they thought to find Peter. Their frustrations and contravention were hitting a reality for them.

"Every time we do something fun just us guys. Peter gets us and himself into trouble!" Joe indicated.

"Nothing is ever easy is it?" Quagmire asked.

"Nobody ever told me following tracks would be this hard!" Cleveland grumbled calling out to Joe who's a little far behind. "Hey, Constable Law Enforcement! Mind helping us out here?!"

"Glad to! As a matter of fact. 'Didn't have to be so insolent there, Cleveland' I'm onto something here!" announced Joe.

"Found a way to find Peter faster?" asked Quagmire.

"No, did an investigative analysis on these Sioux Indians who've kidnapped Peter." Joe said.

"Tell us, man!" said Quagmire with suspense.

"In this part of South Dakota, these Indians are still mad at the white man." explained the wheelchair bound police officer.

"Even after all these years and generations that gone by? Wonders never cease!" retorted Cleveland.

"Got some more. These Sioux Indians who live around here are so high on peyote that they still think they're living in the 1800s!" Joe exclaimed.

"Drugs do some crazy shit there! And people want to think sex and fucking are bad?" Quagmire replied.

Joe explained to Cleveland and Quagmire, "They're very backwards in the way they live."

"Wow! Sounds like they're Amish times 10000!" Cleveland jested.

"All the more reason we need to save Peter!" Quagmire pointed to the sky.

"To Peter!" Joe points his fist to the sky

"To Peter!" Cleveland doing the same.

"TO PETER!" the three of them screamed into the sky.

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In the Sioux Indian Campgrounds. They bring Peter Griffin from the cave pit they held him prisoner in. "Bring forth the prisoner!" the Indian Chief demands.

"You brought me forth, what now?" Peter stated being haughty. "We shall start the ceremony in which we torture you until you become a warrior!" answered the Indian Chief. "But first! We shall make you look like one of us!"

Drumming began to start. The Indians put some makeup on Peter then gave him an feathered band around his head. Peter was about to object until one of the Indians put a rock in Peter's mouth. "You guys into ball gags?"

The Sioux Indians lead Peter to a hanging post. "Again, a proper Indian Warrior does not accuse others of such sexual brutality!" They tied his hands separately on opposite ends. His shirt gets ripped off. "Begin the arrow throwing at his man!"

The Indians used their bow and arrows and shot their arrows at Peter's body. Causing Peter to feel unbearable pain. The arrows stick to his fat body. "Now the hammers!" The Indian Chief said. The Indians beat Peter over the head relentlessly. Peter calls out, "SOMEBODY FIND ME! THESE INDIANS ARE FUCKING INSANE!"

"Using curse words against us, huh? More arrows!" The Indians shot more arrows at Peter. "Now pull out the arrows!" The arrows were being pulled out of Peter's body. "It's more painful coming out than going in!" Blood spurted from the areas of his body where Peter was arrowed.

The Indians were now doing a tribal dance and singing in their language. Peter didn't know what to make of it as he wallowed in the distressed agony he was in. "In...so...much...throbbing...hurting...I sound...like...a...commercial...for...headache pills..."

Some Indians come up to Peter and pierce some wolves teeth into Peter's chest wounds. An Indian throw another rope around the hanging post then another Indian tied the ropes to the wolves teeth that Peter had pierced in his skin. "I may be in pain, but least I still have my sense of humor!" Peter said breathelessly.

Peter trying to use jokes to cope with his circumstance says, "Is this your Indians idea of a bra! heee heee heee heee!"

The Indian Chief was angered. "You must learn to suffice this foolishness! For that you shall PAY!"

The Indians on top of the Hanging Post pulled the rope attached to the wolves teeth implanted in Peter's skin. The drumming pounds faster and whistles were heard as the rope was risen to hang Peter by the wolves teeth pierced in his chest. "AAAAAHHHHHH! AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! OOOOOOOHHHHHHHH SSSSSSHHHHHHIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTTTTTT! YOU'RE ALL RIPPING MY HEART OUT!"

Indians were dancing around Peter and poking him with spears. Peter cried out, "PLEASE! NO MORE STABBING! NO MORE STABBING! I'D PREFER TO BE SHOT!" The spears were used to spin Peter around.

"We shall spin you around and poke you so we can make headway for you to become our greatest warrior! Until you don't know who you are anymore!" the Indian Chief yelled.

The Indians persistently twirled Peter around with their spears as he was hanging him the post. Peter sobbed.

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The ceremony lasted into the night. Once the day had gone, the Indians came to check on their victim. Peter was laying on a stone block murmuring to himself. At first it seemed like he was coming to his senses. "Lois...Chris...Brian...Stewie..." "Just like the time I..." "Shut up, Meg..." "Holy freakin...sweet..." "Who else but...Quag..."

The Indians wake him up. Peter now forgotten who he was. Had no recollection of who he was after the Indians have tormented him so terribly. "Good you are awake!" said one of the Indians.

"Who am I? Why am I here?" Peter asked. "It's like I forgot everything! Who I am! Where I came from!"

"That's why we are here to help you!" the Indians assured him.

"We will tell you after you complete your training!" the Indians answered.

"Training? What is this you speak of?" asked Peter once more.

The Indians explained as they were making Peter's life into a lie. "You are a long lost Indian Warrior. Some white men have beaten you senseless..."

"That doesn't sound good. What else do you know about me?"

"You were lost in the plains for months on end. When we finally found you, we nursed you back to health. But you forgot how to fight. So let us teach you our primitive ways of hand to hand combat."

"Show me. I want to learn."

The Indians brought Peter to the Indian Chief. "Sir, he doesn't remember who he is or where he came from."

"Did you elaborate a story?" asked the Chief.

"Yes we did. He bought it, and he has no memory of who he is!"

"Excellent. Have him begin his training! Thanks to him, the white man shall be destroyed!"

The Indians had taken Peter to a field where there was some haystacks.

"Those haystacks are going to be used for Target Practice. We shall get you back on your feet so you can get your revenge on what those white men did to you!"

The Indians train Peter how to use a bow and arrow, ride a horse, and pound a hammer. Peter kept missing the haystack. They teach Peter how to sing and dance in the way that the Sioux Indians do. The Indians even have Peter balance on his right toe which Peter awkwardly fell over. Whenever Peter rode the horse, he slid off having the horse run away. Peter didn't get anything right and he feels bad.

"I suck at this!" Peter said sadly. "I'm letting you all down."

"We train you some more, soon you will perfect everything!" the Indians encouraged him.

Peter undergoes the Indian's training again. Peter was sparring now with fighter Indian. Only this time they train Peter with fencing in which spears are used. Peter says, "From what I have been told I'm a little rusty after being attacked." The Indian whom he was fencing with said, "That is your problem! Not mine!"

The Indian that Peter was sparring with twirled the spear as Peter did the same. Peter and the sparring Indian clacked their spears together. When that was done, Peter was now getting some better balance as he was standing on his right toe. Peter rode the horse more better now until the horse was now able to trust him.

The singing and dancing Peter has now perfected. As time went on, Peter was now an ace at the bow and arrow. Spear fighting was now a second wind to the once cheerful oaf who was now bring trained into being a murdering machine.

"Now the ultimate test. Throw that spear into the haystack!" the Indians ordered.

Peter threw the spear and it landed in the middle of the haystack. Peter used a bow and arrow and shot one at the haystack that landed next to the spear. The Indians roared with cheers.

"Our brave warrior is back!" The Indian Chief announced.

Peter proudly stood as the Indians did a celebatory dance around him.

"With him on our side, the white man don't stand a chance! Welcome back our bravest warrior! He name is...HORSE!"

"I AM HORSE! RRROOOOOAAAAHHHHHRRRRR!" Peter roared as he waved his bow and arrow at the sky. Peter Griffin no longer the happy go lucky, devil may care, idiotic man child he once was. Peter was now a savage murdering hunter. An Indian Warrior called Horse. A Griffin Called Horse!

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Walking around the vacant fields for what seemed like an eternity. Joe finally sees a town up ahead. "Thank GOD! A town!" he said.

"Perhaps we can go to the cops. Tell them our story and tell someone to find Peter!" Cleveland nodded.

"With my cop skills they can recruit me to help!" said Joe.

Quagmire was getting a weary feeling. "Why do I feel that this is going to be one of those there's nobody here but us mice type of scenarios?"

Cleveland, Joe, and Quagmire walk into the town. Quagmire's instincts were spot on. Tumbleweeds and closed buildings surrounded them. "I knew it!" Quagmire said.

They see a shadowy figure on a horse with a bow and arrow in it's hand. "There might be some life here after all!" said Joe.

"Quick, let's go to that man on the horse!" said Cleveland.

As they ran to the figure, it disappeared as quickly as it came.

"DAMMIT! SHIT! Just our luck!" yelled Joe.

Cleveland's eyes fulled with terror as the sight that he saw. "You guys might want to take a look at this!"

Up ahead, the three of them see severed heads on pikes. Dead people with their faces torn off.

Quagmire shivered, "You think that figure had something to do with this?"

"It's not a stretch but it's very possible." said Joe.

"It's all white people who've been killed." Cleveland observed.

"So this town probably was full of life until that whatever it was killed them all." explained Joe.

Meanwhile, back at the campgrounds. Peter now known as Horse goes to inform the Indians that he saw Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire.

The Indian Chief looked at Peter. "Ahhh. Horse! You're back! Report to me your progress!"

"Killed a bunch of white people!" said Peter.

"You did a very good job killing those white people in that town, Horse!" said the Indian Chief. "What else do you want to report?"

"Thought I saw some interlopers in that town."

"Thanks for telling us. We must get those outsiders and bring them here so we can kill them too!" ordered the Indian Chief.

The Sioux Indians all had their weapons in their arsenals and got on their horses. "Follow me, my fellow Indians! We got some outsiders to kill! For I AM HORSE!" yelled Peter as the Indians cheered for him.

The Chief dispatched his Indians to ride into the town where Peter killed the residents.

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Back in the town, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were sitting on a bench trying to think about what to do.

"Those Indians destroyed our stagecoach. So there's no means of transportation." said Cleveland.

"We need to think of something. Who knows where Peter could be!" said Quagmire.

"Relax, fellas. While we were wandering around in those fields I used my phone to call for help!" assured Joe.

Quagmire hears some menacing footsteps from far away. "That must be someone coming to rescue us now!"

"All right! We're saved!" roared Joe happily.

Cleveland takes notice that the people who were coming for them were Peter and the Sioux Indians. "Uh oh! Not saved!"

The Sioux Indians, The Indian Chief and Peter circled around Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire.

"It's those Indians again! They're back!" yelled Quagmire then was alarmed to see Peter. "PETER!"

"There they are!" pointed Peter. "Those are the rejects I found!"

"Good work," complemented the Indian Chief. "We shall take them back to camp. Where will kill them!" Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire could not believe that Peter Griffin was now an Indian.

"PETER! IT'S US! DON'T YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK WE ARE?" cried Cleveland.

"WE ARE YOUR FRIENDS! HOW COULD YOU LET THEM MAKE AN ASS OF YOU LIKE THIS, PETER?!" cried Joe.

"I am not this Peter you speak of! I am HORSE! Indian Warrior! Murderer of the White Man!"

"Crap, we're screwed! Those Indians must have used some spiritual power to take over his brain." deducted Quagmire.

"They turned Peter into a killer!" said Joe. "Worse than that! They turned Peter into a complete asshole!"

"An even bigger asshole shithead than he already is!" responded Cleveland.

The Indians took out some lassos and roped them all around Joe's, Cleveland's and Quagmire's necks and dragged them back to the Campgrounds to their ruination and death.

"If we survive this, I vote we never go on these crazy hijinked adventures ever again!" said Cleveland.

"We never should've came here. Should've just stayed in Quahog and spent the day at the Clam!" Quagmire lamented.

"These Indians hate white men so they use one to kill them! How predictable is that?" asked Cleveland.

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At the Campgrounds, The Indian Chief rewarded Peter.

"You did a real pleasant job killing those people in town and bringing us these prisoners! Knew we can depend on you to be a very brave warrior!"

Peter said, "Thank you. More thanks for helping me come back to my senses. Letting me know who I really am."

The Indians bow to Peter, then gives him a blowhorn and some peyote.

"We present to you. It's your very own blowhorn and your peyote!" the Indian Chief told Peter.

Peter used the blowhorn. The Indian Chief tells him. "Save the peyote for when we kill the prisoners!"

Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were being held in the same cave hole that Peter was in earlier.

We were just been thinking about what you said, Cleveland." said Joe.

"You are correct, Cleveland! Next time when we are trying to look for fun, we should just stay in our hometown!" said Quagmire.

"Have a bad track record of going on these escapades! It's always because of Peter we get into tumultuous states of affairs." Cleveland conveyed.

The Indian Chief releases Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire from the cave. They are taken to the campgrounds.

The Indians do a spiritual dance around the three of them. Peter uses the blowhorn for them to stop. The Chief announces, "Thanks to our highly trained professional Indian Hunter Warrior. We shall execute these outlanders we found wandering in the town of the White Man!"

"YAY!" cheered the Indians.

"And for that...for that! These three bums and scoundrels will face the ultimate form of death!" The Indian Chief went on.

Cleveland scoffed, "Look how culturally backwards they are. Wonder what our sentence is?"

"Don't think we want to know." Joe sadly stated.

"I decided and I declare for these interlopers to be burned at the stake!" The Indian Chief decides the fates of Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire. "Horse! Lead them to their deaths!"

Peter obeyed, "Let the games...begin!"

The Indians delightedly shouted with glee as Peter was leading his friends to be burned at the stake. Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were pleading for their lives.

"Stop this Peter, please!" Cleveland cried.

"Remember us! Your lifelong friends!" said Quagmire.

"If only we can trigger his memory!" said Joe.

"Think about all the fun we had over the years!" cried Quagmire.

"You've been brainwashed! Can't you see that Peter!" Cleveland said.

Peter soon ties Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire one by one to the stakes. The Indians gathered some sticks to start a fire. Peter rubs two sticks together that eventually started a fire. Peter used a spear to ignite and catch the fire. Peter throws the fiery spear at the stake where Joe was. Then used the spear again to start the fire on the stakes they were all tied to. The fire burned beneath them.

"Must be karma pounding down upon me for watching those Burn At The Stake Fetish videos!" Quagmire sobbed.

"Is that even a thing?" asked Joe.

"The only one who can save us is Peter! If only he can remember who he is!" Cleveland established.

"Let's hear it for Horse! Three cheers for Horse!" The Indian Chief roared. "Hoo Ya! Hoo Ya! HOORAY! Hoo Ya! HOORAY! Hoo Ya! HOORAY!"

The Indians cheered for Peter as he throws his spear into the sky. "DEATH TO THE WHITE MAN! LONG LIVE THE SIOUX INDIANS I...AM...HORSE!"

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Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire try to look for an escape. The Sioux Indians danced around the trio as they smoked more peyote.

"These flames are growing faster by the minute!" Joe exclaimed.

"Those Indians are doing some crazy ass shit!" said Cleveland.

Quagmire sees Peter ride off on his horse. "That's it, Peter doesn't know us anymore. We're as good as dead."

"Don't say that! Never lose hope! This is NOT the way for us to die!" Joe yelled!

As fate would have it, Peter is about to ride off into another town. Cleveland reaches into his pocket the best he could. "I know a way to get us out of here!"

"Thought maybe Joe would be the one who would advise an escape." snarked Quagmire. "He's a cop, he's supposed to be good at that sort of thing."

"Well, excuse me for not being Mr. Perfect ass!" shouted Joe at Quagmire.

Cleveland found a rock in his pocket and he flung it towards Peter's direction.

"Now time for me to kill more white people!" Peter announced. "...I AM...HOR..." The rock Cleveland threw landed on Peter's head. Very plodding and obtuse, Peter finally got his memory back. "HOLY CRAP! What am I doing in these Indian clothes?"

Peter saw the rumpus of seeing his friends being burned at the stake and Indians dance around them. "What in the world happened?"

It was now all up to Peter Griffin to save his friends from a burning smoldering end. "I need to scare away these Indians. But I don't know what Indians are scared of!"

"You rock trick worked, didn't it?" asked Quagmire.

"Probably not, I doubt it." said Cleveland.

"Hey, Indians! Get with the modern times here! It's the year 2018, not the 1800s anymore!" Joe yelled.

Running back and forth in endless circles, Peter didn't know how to save his friends. "There's no one around to help me! Need to save my friends! Come on Peter! THINK! THINK! THINK FAST!"

A lightbulb moment shone upon the fat obese buffoon's head. "Got it!" Peter exclaimed. He saw a totem pole. Picked it up and ran towards the Indian Compound. The Indians saw Peter with the totem pole and they all looked in perturbation and fear.

The Indian Chief screamed, "OH NO! ITS THE SPIRITS OF ALL THOSE WHITE PEOPLE WE KILLED!"

Some more Indians yelled. "THEY'RE AFTER US! TO HAUNT US ALL FOREVER!" "LET'S GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!"

The Sioux Indians ran far away from the campground never to return again. Peter ran back to the camp to free his friends. "Am I holy freaking awesome or what?"

"Peter! You're back!" cheered Cleveland.

"I'm back? What about my back? I didn't even know how all this occurred." said Peter.

"We'll tell you on the way home." said Joe.

"Please get us out of here!" said Cleveland.

"It's a long story." said Quagmire. "So untie us first then we'll bore you with the details!"

Peter untied Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire then put out the fire with a barrel full of water he found at the campground.

"We're free now but how will we get home?" pondered Joe.

"There isn't a city or town for miles." said Cleveland.

Out of nowhere, car comes their way. Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire all wave at it to get it's attention. "We're over here!"

They all gather into the car. "Thanks, mister! You saved our lives!" said Peter.

All reassured now that the disaster and danger was over. "Safe at last!" said Cleveland. "At least you didn't say Free at Last!" said Peter. Quagmire screamed at who the driver was. The driver was the totem pole that Peter used to scare away the Indians.

The totem pole drove the car through the vacant plains. Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire were all screaming fearfully as they all held onto one another. The totem pole takes off the mask and costume and it was really Brian and Stewie the whole time. Peter, Joe, Cleveland, and Quagmire still thought the totem pole was driving the car. "That Totem Pole really was a living being!" yelled Joe. "It's like the X Files come to life!" screamed Peter.

"Weren't we supposed to get a pizza?" a

"Once we get back on the road to civilization!" laughed Brian.

sked Stewie.

"Turned out Lois didn't want one!" answerd Brian. "So I wanted to come here to prank the guys instead!"

"Fiendishly clever of you! When should we tell them it was us?" asked Stewie giddishly.

"Once we get back to civilization!" laughed Brian.

Brian and Stewie drive off into the sunset as Peter and his friends were still terrified and clinging onto their wits!


End file.
